Happy birthday to Balthazar Getty!
Happy #33 to Balthazar Getty, who was born on this day in 1975 in Los Angeles. To celebrate this special day, I had intended to go back through the memorable lines round-ups for this past season-plus-ten, and pick out some choice bits of Tommy dialog. But he’s really not so much with the speeches and freestanding quips — not like Sarah, for example.
Still, though Tommy’s seldom solo in the spotlight, he does have a nice way with the snide remark or snarky exchange with a sibling. So, in honor of this team player, here are some memorable verbal vollies from the Brother Most Likely to Be Like Dad.
From “Patriarchy”
Justin: Hey, does anybody want to go out? There is this great bar in Chinatown we could tear up.
Tommy: Do they allow people with jobs to go there?
Justin: Can I ask you a question?
Tommy: The answer is no, you can’t borrow my surfboard. No, I don’t have any money to lend you. And yes, girls still think you’re cute.
William: And I must announce with some trepidation that you’re no longer grounded.
Justin: When she was 14, she was grounded indefinitely.
Jonathan: What for?
Kitty: Oh, it had something to do with cigarettes and surfboards.
Tommy: And shoplifting, and a boy named Pablo.
From “Family Portrait”
Justin: I can listen while pouring.
Tommy: You can barely listen while hearing.
Tommy: You know how some people run out of chances in life and you can smell it on them?
Justin: So you are Dad now. At least we know.
Tommy: Everybody else might sit around and feel bad for you, but I won’t.
Justin: I didn’t ask for your sympathy, and I certainly didn’t ask for your help.
Tommy: When are you going to grow up?
Justin: You’re a piece of work, just like dad.
Tommy: I’m not like him. Dad never stopped caring about what you did with your life. I do. I stop right now. I stop today.
From “Northern Exposure”
Kevin: You know, this whole anonymity thing is a joke. If the kid’s well-dressed and witty, it’s mine.
Justin: You don’t stand a chance. My little dudes have been to war.
Kevin: And stoned for the last 10 years.
Tommy: That’s enough sperm talk for the rest of my life.
Justin: You’re not going to ask us for a kidney, are you?
Tommy: I wouldn’t touch your kidney with a ten foot pole.
From “Mistakes Were Made Part 2″
Sarah: Dance, Tommy!
Tommy: Couldn’t you just kill me instead?
From “Love Is Difficult”
Tommy: I definitely think I saw a penis go by a minute ago. Right there! What’s that?
Doctor: That’s a thumb.
Tommy: A big thumb.
From “All in the Family”
Julia: I gained like eight pounds in the last three weeks. Something’s thriving besides my appetite.
Tommy: Your cleavage?
Tommy: Did you bring your DNA kit with you? Are you going to swab her over salad?
Kevin: I could get a stray hair.
Tommy: No, that’s not going to work. You have to get it from the root.
Justin: What are you, Columbo?
Tommy: I watch all the crime shows.
Kevin: I’ll take her water glass into a lab.
Tommy: No, no, it’s not going to work either. The glass will get corrupted.
Justin: Are you both high? You want your DNA test, right here: She’s hot, I feel nothing.
From “Grapes of Wrath”
Sarah: What does a girl have to do to get a drink around here?
Tommy: Follow Kevin around.
From “Matriarchy”
Justin: Bro, I’m a recovering addict who’s going to Iraq in 10 days.
Tommy: That’s my point exactly, a military man, going off to war? You could get some serious sympathy action.
Justin: We’re going to see “Wicked.?
Kevin: Yay!
Tommy: It’s not enough you’re going to Iraq?
From “An American Family”
Saul: I taught you how to read a wine list, didn’t I?
Tommy: Yeah, I was nine.
From “History Repeating”
Tommy: So your parents just showed up?
Julia: We don’t always know when your family is stopping by.
Tommy: Yeah, but at the end of the night, my family goes home.
Tommy: If you weren’t here as a buffer, I would wrap my nine iron around his neck.
Saul: Do it now, and I’ll spot you three strokes.
Holly: Your father never would have done that.
Tommy: Yeah, well my father had a wife who actually stuck around.
From “Domestic Issues”
Justin: Where’s your costume?
Tommy: I’m an abandoned husband. You?
Justin: Wounded vet.
Tommy: Cool.
From “36 Hours”
Tommy: What is it, your drug dealer?
Kevin: Give it to me, I’ll put the fear of God in him.
Tommy: We don’t want Scarface coming over with a couple of Uzis.
Justin: His name is Fred, and he’s in a band.
Tommy: Why didn’t you say anything?
Kevin: Because I was embarrassed.
Tommy: Embarrassed. My wife left me and took our child. Joe left Sarah for his ex-wife, and there’s a drug addict in the bathroom.
Did I miss one of your favorites? Add it in the comments.
Photo: ABC.com
Brothers and Sisters, ABC, Balthazar Getty, Tommy Walker, memorable lines
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